if only we were given a chance to choose the type of lives we wish to live in but then again who wouldn't want so? everyone could have said the same thing and that the problems they endure wouldn't even exist.
though so i must say i still love my life so far as i have lived as there is nothing much still that i would have to worry about. so much so i could say that i am pretty well blessed with everything i need and much more.
then again, it is the other thing in it that i still find time understanding. the problem that have bugged me pretty much as long as i have realised the root of vanity. the fact that i am never good enough. ever. especially, for her.
it saddens me whenever the same speech given tons of years ago and has forever been since so, keep repeating itself before me.
that same speech has been locked in tighter than the lyrics of my favorite song. i hated my reflection since. tried really hard to make myself look good so i could impress her for a bit but she never really cared. only when she thinks that for the day i looked good i am spared off the haunting speech. but when a certain flaw surface itself i am being thrown a million haunting questions that answers she could never except. she always has this insulting mechanism built-in. i am human ain't i? but why must i be different? why couldn't she understand that i face problems normal human faces and the most that i need off her is her understanding, love and respect.
i feel so pressured and that i am never good enough. i try so hard to do well but the results never mattered. who am i trying impress but myself anyways. i strive to do well because i hope that i would be respected and taken-in rather than being looked down, especially by them. but it never mattered. i felt like i am such a useless addition here i should never have been... i guess i really don't deserve love at all for who i am. for the fact that you'll never deserve love unless you love yourself first and i never really did love me. i hate me. not the life i am in but literally, me me.
at least god have been really good to me by sending really great friends as gifts. i am happy and grateful to say the people i meet have been really really nice and friendly. at least i feel that whenever i need someone to talk to or spend time with, i have them. at least they wouldn't be so harsh on me and i could just spread my hands and ask for a hug.
i am so sorry i have been talking trash for so long. i hope you don't get judgmental or anything. i don't mean to create any misunderstandings. i don't know. maybe it is the night. maybe it is me. any hows im sorry.
though so i must say i still love my life so far as i have lived as there is nothing much still that i would have to worry about. so much so i could say that i am pretty well blessed with everything i need and much more.
then again, it is the other thing in it that i still find time understanding. the problem that have bugged me pretty much as long as i have realised the root of vanity. the fact that i am never good enough. ever. especially, for her.
it saddens me whenever the same speech given tons of years ago and has forever been since so, keep repeating itself before me.
that same speech has been locked in tighter than the lyrics of my favorite song. i hated my reflection since. tried really hard to make myself look good so i could impress her for a bit but she never really cared. only when she thinks that for the day i looked good i am spared off the haunting speech. but when a certain flaw surface itself i am being thrown a million haunting questions that answers she could never except. she always has this insulting mechanism built-in. i am human ain't i? but why must i be different? why couldn't she understand that i face problems normal human faces and the most that i need off her is her understanding, love and respect.
i feel so pressured and that i am never good enough. i try so hard to do well but the results never mattered. who am i trying impress but myself anyways. i strive to do well because i hope that i would be respected and taken-in rather than being looked down, especially by them. but it never mattered. i felt like i am such a useless addition here i should never have been... i guess i really don't deserve love at all for who i am. for the fact that you'll never deserve love unless you love yourself first and i never really did love me. i hate me. not the life i am in but literally, me me.
at least god have been really good to me by sending really great friends as gifts. i am happy and grateful to say the people i meet have been really really nice and friendly. at least i feel that whenever i need someone to talk to or spend time with, i have them. at least they wouldn't be so harsh on me and i could just spread my hands and ask for a hug.
i am so sorry i have been talking trash for so long. i hope you don't get judgmental or anything. i don't mean to create any misunderstandings. i don't know. maybe it is the night. maybe it is me. any hows im sorry.
goodnight everyone.
i hope the dreams are sweet and the day is good for you. :) 
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